pardon the choice of words in the title, but once you read this story you will realize that there is no other way to name it.

setting: my lovely loft-style townhome

start time: 10 pm

plot: gosh, where to begin…i guess i’ll first say that i had a very enjoyable, low-key evening at home last night. i worked on a little homework that i needed to get done, posted some jewelry and hung out with the boys  (cats, not humans). i was pretty tired by 10 so i decided to lay in bed and read. so, i’m doing just that and suddenly i hear a loud beeeeeeep. “what the….? what is that?!” , i immediately think. [it’s important here to tell you that i have never lived on my own before, so all of this “taking care of my own house” thing is new to me] [let me also tell you that i was just thinking earlier in the night that i had gotten pretty good at living alone. although a little intimidating at first, i’ve really become and adult and learned to be independent] back to the good stuff…so i hear the beep and think, oh, it’s probably just the smoke alarm…needs new batteries…don’t care…i’ll do it tomorrow. so, back to reading. about 30 minutes later, beeeeeeeep. oh boy. i foolishly decide to just ignore it, i'll deal with it in the morning, i don’t have other batteries anyways…it’s fine. [terrible, terrible decision] i finally fall asleep amid the intermittent beeps.

cut to 3:15am. that’s right, 3:15am. i wake up to beeeeeeep…one minute…beeeeeeeep. my thought: no. noooo. NOOOOOO! i get out of bed, turn the lights on (which blind both me and my cats, poor little nuggets, they had no idea what they were in for) and walk over to the smoke detector and carbon monoxide detector in my room upstairs. i take out the batteries in both (after much fumbling around trying to figure out how to get that stupid thing off the wall). whew, that wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be, back to bed. HA! yeah right, the smoke detector thinks. Beeeeeeep. how does it do that?! it doesn’t have any batteries! i finally find the smart part of my brain and realize it’s the one downstairs that has been torturing me, not the two upstairs. i reluctantly and tiredly walk downstairs, grab a kitchen chair and begin to disassemble the little machine that brought me so much rage. batteries out, hanging from the wall. guess what happens? BEEEEEEEEEP. NO. this is NOT happening right now. nope. no.  let me also say, the sound of this little minion is ear-piercing. maybe even ear-drum shattering. it’s so loud. [which, i realize, will be very important in an emergency situation, but at 3:30am when i want to be sleeping…not so much] i take the battery from the upstairs smoke detector, which was fine all along, and put it in the downstairs one, push the test button (which pierces my ears even more) and go to bed. i’m so over it at this point, i don’t care if i have to sleep through the beeps. i put a towel around the detector to try and muffle the sound (which doesn’t work) and go back to bed. the beeps now are about 30 seconds apart. 30 SECONDS! long enough that i forget that it’s going to happen again so it scares me EVERY TIME but short enough that i can’t fall asleep because all i hear is beeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeep beeeeeeeep. i cover my head with a pillow, and by some miracle, fall asleep about a half hour later.

cut to 7:30 am. Beeeeeeeeep. Are you serious? Come on! i didn’t think it was possible, but waking up to a smoke alarm beep at you because it’s unhappy is 10,000 times more annoying than a regular alarm clock. i throw the covers off me like the house is actually on fire, and stomp over to the smoke detector on the wall upstairs. sure enough, now this one is having a nervous breakdown and letting me know all about it. i finally figure out how to unplug the thing from the wall and set it on my dresser. sweet relief rushes over me because i think that i have solved the problem. too soon. the little zombie of a machine keeps beeping. HOW DOES IT DO THAT? i shove it in my dresser drawer under some clothes and walk away. otherwise, i will chuck it out the front door. [feel bad about my night yet? It’s not over…] i go downstairs. it’s as if these little hellions can sense when i’m at the end of my rope because as soon i get to the kitchen…beeeeeeeeep. NO FREAKING WAY. yep, that’s right, another minion on the loose. this time, the carbon monoxide detector is flashing red and begging for new batteries. i rip it from the wall, tear the batteries out and not-so-nicely put new ones in. it beeps one more time, but  it was just a “thank you” beep because that was the last I i heard from it.

silence has never sounded sweeter. i sit down on the couch, not knowing whether to laugh at how ridiculous it is that ALL four of my detectors would need new batteries at the SAME TIME or cry at the fact that i didn’t get enough sleep and i wanted to throw a temper tantrum. i decided to do a little bit of both, while praying that the day would only get better from here.

[footnote: the only bright spots in this whole fiasco are that i learned how to do something i’ve never done before AND i have full confidence in all of my alarms and their ability to warn me of an emergency.]