as i sit on my bed drinking my coffee, slightly squinting from the bright sun shining through my window, i can't help but be grateful for this life that i've been given. i've said it before, and i'm sure i'll say it again, but i don't deserve the blessings that God has given me. i tend to be kind of hard on myself, always noticing the thing(s) that i didn't do or can't do, instead of the ones that i do and can. i'm a little bit of a perfectionist in that way, and i'm learning to let go and realize that nothing is supposed to be perfect. in fact, it's usually better when it's not. i don't adjust well to change, even slight changes in everyday life. once i have a plan, i like to stick with it. if something gets in the way of it, it takes me a minute to refocus and continue. the funny thing about life, though, is that it's not about my plan. it's not supposed to be about what i want to do or how i want to live. it should be about God's plan for me and how He wants to use me.

i tend to think that my plans are better than God's. that i somehow know exactly what i need and exactly how i need to get it. oh, how i couldn't be more wrong. i sometimes wonder if God looks at me and smiles, thinking "oh, lauren. how silly of you to think that you're in control and you know what's best. i created you, after all. don't you trust me and the plan that i have for you?" i do trust God and i know that He has a perfect plan for me, but what scares me is the unknown. not knowing where i will be and what i will be doing. not knowing who i will be around and how my everyday life will be. like i said, i like to plan things, so not being able to plan is kind of a struggle for me.

but, i'm learning to let go.
to trust that God will lead me where He wants me, not necessarily where i think i should be.
to rest in the truth that the Creator of the world knows me by name and knows what i need.
kind of amazing, isn't it?

and when i look at it that way, i would much rather He be in control than me.